I Declare...

   I have experienced negative emotions and behaviors that would, in the field of psychology, be considered symptoms of "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" or "Pure-O Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder."  They have interfered significantly in my life, and for some time, I clung to the popular beliefs about these issues as my only answers.  The following are my passionate declarations about a topic that is very important to me, based on a series of discoveries that I feel are groundbreaking in my life.  I think they could be the same for so many others with experiences similar to mine.

* A mental illness is a condition that is known to have a biological cause, that must be treated medicinally. Contrary to popular belief, this is not the case for many issues currently being categorized and diagnosed as mental illness.

                                          My Declarations

• I am an individual with a unique personality: there is nothing wrong with me.  I am the product, in part, of cognition, biological factors, and environmental factors. The presence of certain biological factors have combined with environmental factors to result in my unique personality, making me the obsessive, analytical, introspective, sensitive, conscientious person I am. Here's the thing: the obsessive, analytical part of me has at times responded to anxiety-producing thoughts with hours of analysis to prove to myself that everything was okay. This, as defined by me, is a negative behavior. But that same trait causes me to take great enjoyment from thinking things over deeply, to take notice of subtleties that others might miss, and to be driven to find answers to my questions. There is no biological cause present causing these personality traits collectively as some kind of illness. I am simply a complex human being, and when I do experience anxiety, it is experienced and manifested through the lens of who I am as a person.
• I have the freedom to define my own experiences. I adopted this one from http://theicharusproject.net/.  In the last declaration, I differentiated between a behavior I am displeased with(torturing myself by trying to make sure everything is okay) and behaviors I am pleased with(thinking analytically, etc). Just because the DSM-IV decides to say that obsessive behavior, for instance, is a "symptom" of something does not mean that me being obsessive is always a bad thing.  I am the one who decides, according to own values, what is good and bad in my life.  The popular lists of symptoms have caused me to try to fit many of my own behaviors under certain labels.  The problem with this is that a) such disorders are not quantifiable as such and b) many of the behaviors I was coming to think there was something wrong with weren't negative in any way.  I did this because I had bought into the idea that everything the manual listed was, in fact, an illness and that the symptoms listed could help determine them.  Realizing that this is not scientifically supported makes such categorization senseless and even harmful.
• The negative behaviors I sometimes get caught up in are caused by cognitive habits fueled by anxiety.  Here's how it works:  you think something scary, and you feel anxious.  The anxious feelings may cause you to think more about the scary things, thus causing you to feel more anxious, and well, can you see the beginning of a viscious cycle?  One answer to dealing with bad habits of thinking is found in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT).  The great thing about CBT is that it can be done on your own(one study found that doing it solo was just as effective as having a therapist to help).  CBT simply helps you to recognize thought patterns that cause unnecesarily destructive emotions and to deal with your thinking more constructively, thereby reducing the effects of emotions such as anxiety.
• I may need to take extra care of myself.  If a sensitive nervous system is one factor that causes me to be overwhelmed easily, it will be extremely important for me to do all those common sense things that will make it easier to live the life I want: get enough sleep, eat right, limit caffeine, etc.

  When I stopped thinking that my feelings of anxiety were simply there because of a chemical imbalance, some interesting things began happening.  I had a greater feeling of control over my emotions.  I lost what had become a crutch and found a sense of empowerment.  I have begun identifying simple causes of anxiety I never knew existed because of my past readiness to attribute an unfounded chemical imbalance to my anxiety.  The tremendous shift in perspective was extremely freeing, making me feel beautiful.  The question Why did God make me like this?  turned to Wow, God made me so amazing!  I began to recognize the ways I am uniquely gifted, and I began to wonder if The Icharus Project might not be onto something when they call them "dangerous gifts."

Are You A Lion Chaser?

   I am reading a book called In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson.  It is based on 2 Samuel 23:20-21:

"Benaiah son of Jehoiada was a brave fighter from Kabzeel who did mighty things. He killed two of the best warriors from Moab. He also went down into a pit and killed a lion on a snowy day. Benaiah killed a large Egyptian who had a spear in his hand. Benaiah had a club, but he grabbed the spear from the Egyptian's hand and killed him with his own spear."

    It is about how, often-times, the most frightening, difficult circumstances in our lives are also our greatest opportunities, and instead of running from them, we ought to face them head-on.  I thought I'd share an excerpt.

Most of our problems are not circumstantial.  Most of our problems are perceptual.  Our biggest problems can be traced back to an inadequate understanding of who God is.  Our problems seem really big because God seems really small.  In fact, we reduce God to the size of our biggest problem.

 Tozer said a "low view of God...is the cause of a hundred lesser evils."  But a person with a high view of God "is relieved of ten thousand temporal problems."

 A low view of God and a high view of God are the difference between scaredy-cats and lion chasers.  Scaredy-cats are filled with fear because their God is so small.  Lion chasers know that their best thought about God on their best day falls infinitely short of how great God really is.

    I love the picture of Paul and Silus in Acts 16 after they've been beaten and imprisoned.  Not that part, of course, that part is terrible.  But there they are, and instead of questioning why God allowed this stuff to happen, they started worshiping Him.  And God caused an earthquake that made the doors all come open and all the prisoners' chains fall off.  When we respond in faith and worship, knowing our God is a big, faithful God, we open the way for Him to move powerfully in our lives.  Paul and Silus obviously had a big view of God, which allowed them to be lion chasers.  We know that after they got out of that prison, they certainly didn't sit back in fear.  They went on to face any other lions in their paths.

   Today, I am choosing to be a lion chaser.

The Great Matzah Hunt

  
   So Passover begins on Monday night, and I needed matzah for my (sure to be very amateurish) Seder.  I originally wanted to host it for several friends, but because of having nowhere to hold it, decided to just to follow the Haggadah with my boyfriend Rob.  So I'll be making the charoset and such, but we will possibly just be getting some sort of "fast food" to eat during the dinner break.  Doing it with just myself and him will at least provide an environment I will be most comfortable in to worship God in a way I am not used to.

   As for the matzah, I waited until today only to find that no matzah is to be found in my small town.  My search first took me to the south side Walmart.  No luck there.  Then on to Kroger, which typically carries more specialty foods than other places.  I came out with this...Wasa "Crispbread."

   If you're thinking That looks like it might have leavening, it does.  But this matzah-seeking noob didn't bother to read the ingredients after a Kroger employee assured her that other customers had bought it in place of matzah. After my mother brought the problem to my attention, I called the Walmart on north side to have an employee tell me that he he knew what I was talking about and that they did, indeed, sell matzah.  Well, after making the trip and doing a bit of hunting, I came to be pretty certain that he hadn't know what I was talking about after all.

   But on the bright side, I found these crackers that are free of any type of yeast or leavening!  For this year, they are going to be my matzah.

   Over the course of my search, it didn't really bother me that a few employees I asked about matzah and things might assume I was Jewish.  One employee, however, started seeming to imply that I was following all the Jewish dietary laws and I wondered what all she was going to say and at what point I might have to explain myself.  While I don't feel the need to tell everyone, Hey, I'm not Jewish!  I'm a Christian observing Passover!, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of not standing up for what I do truly believe when it becomes a wide-open opportunity. 

   Well, with a bunch of homework, a new book to start reading(does anyone see a potential problem here?...), and Passover preparations, I have plenty to keep me busy!  God bless!

Still Beautiful

   I just posted about not having anything to post about, and then something hit me. hehe
   As I said, I have been researching the biblical basis for head covering.  I am not going to make any sweeping statements in argument for or against it. But I will share that last Sunday, I wore a scarf.  I plan to do so tomorrow, as well.  I was just reading The Biblical Headcovering: Scarf of Hidden Power, a comprehensive online booklet covering not only the biblical arguments for, but also the history of, women covering their heads.  One part of the booklet discussed how humbling it is to a woman's vanity to wear a covering.  I can certainly attest to this, after looking in the mirror wearing a scarf, and then without the scarf, and then thinking, But I look so pretty without it!  So yes, because covering makes us look so different from the way we are used to looking and so different from everyone else, there are vanity issues to be overcome.  However, I think that if one chooses to cover, they need to realize that they do not have to consequently choose to fore-go beauty.  
    I do not think there is anything wrong with women desiring beauty.  I believe that God gave us this desire, just as he gave men the desire for our beauty.  Just look at how God describes what He will do for His bride:

"...Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became mine," says the Lord God.  Then I washed you in water; yes, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil.  I clothed you in embroidered cloth and gave you sandals of badger skin; I clothed you with fine linen and covered you with silk.  I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck.  And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head.  Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth.  You ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil.  You were exceedingly beautiful, and succeeded to royalty.  Your fame went out among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed on you," says the Lord God."                                 

                                                           Ezekial 16:8-14

   God used images of a woman ornamented with jewelry and fine clothes to illustrate what wonderful things He would do for His bride!  If trying to look beautiful were wrong, why would God have used an ornamented woman as such an important metaphor?  God loves beauty.  It is an immodest and vain spirit that God detests.  If one chooses to cover, I think they need to simply redefine beauty.  Perhaps we are not conforming to our society's exact version of beauty, but that does not mean we cannot be beautiful.

   I feel bad about not posting much recently, but it's partially due to the fact that I've been thinking about a lot of stuff.  You might think that thinking would equal writing, and in fact, I did start writing some posts.  The problem was that I was writing about things that I'm not 100% sure about, and I think it is important that I actually know I agree with something before I share the argument for it on my blog.  The topics I've been researching are 1) head covering and 2) whether or not Christians should keep the Torah.  The first is something I've been looking into for quite some time.  The second is something that has only recently been brought to my attention by the amount of blogs out there by Torah-keeping Christians.  If anyone has any insights or personal experience exploring these issues, I would appreciate feedback via comments. :-)
   I am on spring break now, and the break from the routine of my college classes has been nice.  Since I don't have much to say, I'll leave you with a song that I think is lyrically amazing...Hold You Up by Matthew West.

Misconceptions, Mistaken Perceptions

   In human relationships, I tend to give myself a hard time.  I got angry and overreacted yet again.  Or I needed comforted once more.   As everything is worked through and made right, I find myself unsatisfied, thinking Do they resent me seeking comfort? Are they sick of putting up with me? Seemingly, all is clear and resolution has been found- except in my own perceptions.  Though I've been told time and again that I am wonderful, beautiful, and loved, I feel like I must be viewed as one huge burden.  Like somewhere in the future could be that one proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back, when those I love decide they've just had too much, are too tired, too frustrated.

   I began thinking about my relationship with God, and realized that I don't imagine His perception of me in the same way.  Sure, He knows all about my flaws, and if I hold onto my sin and stubborness, it will affect my relationship with Him.  But at any given second I can come to Him in a spirit of repentance and be "whiter than snow." (Ps 51:7)  He looks at me and thinks I'm lovely. While people are not capable of forgetting things the way God is, God did make those who love me capable of forgiving and accepting things.  I want so badly to believe the truth they have told me, that I am loved and forgiven and well-worth the effort.  I want to believe that they could hug me with a sigh, putting whatever just happened behind us, and gladly start on from where we find ourselves at that moment.

  "...whatever is true,...think about such things."  (Phil 4:8)

A Happy Valentine's Day

   Saturday night, Rob took me to DaVinci's, a nice Italian restaurant we had never been to.  It was a wonderful evening.  Then on Sunday(actually Valentine's Day), we watched Fireproof, which we had seen last year around this time. I love that movie so much because it is a Christian film with a wonderful message about love and covenantal marriage that is also a good-quality movie.  Personally, I take comfort in the fact that love is not based on feelings, for that is much more secure than having to constantly worry about whether or not I am following my heart.  God wants us to have that security!  I wish that everyone could see this, so that there would not have to be so many broken relationships around us.

“You can’t just follow your heart. Your heart can be deceived.

  You have to lead your heart.”