Hungry

I went to this church last night and this morning. I've been looking for something different in a church: idk, more unreserved worship and more of a sense of belonging. The church I tried is charismatic. I went Saturday night, and for 45 minutes, everyone just worshiped with songs that were much livelier and catchier than the contemporary ones the church I attend sings. I tried to get into worship, but couldn't help but be a bit distracted by my awe at the freedom the people had in worship. No one seemed to worry what everyone else thought. And this definitely seemed like somewhere I could belong. From the time I walked in, there were people introducing themselves, asking about me, and telling me about the church. They were just so friendly and so nice, and some of them were even around my own age and told me about the young adult ministry at the church. The preaching was passionate and I liked it. It contained a lot, however, about being filled with the Holy Spirit and how this meant you would be able to speak in tongues. They taught that tongues and prophecies and dreams were all gifts that we all should want and could have if we asked God. During the service, I noticed lips moving quickly and unusually and guessed that this was what was going on. At the end of the service, everyone did it together and the pastor invited those who never had to try it. He told how and said that you could come up to be prayed for if you wanted help. There was this passion and this urgency about it. I didn't do it, though one member asked me if I wanted to. I wasn't convinced that the idea that God wanted me to do this was biblical. I went back this morning, because I wanted to and because my boyfriend was curious. It was much more laid back than last night, and I only heard one man speak in tongues.

I've been reading a lot about the charismatic movement yesterday and today, but mostly about the aspect of speaking in tongues. I've read articles by pastors and relevant Bible passages. In the Bible, Paul says that everyone in a service should not speak in tongues because if an unbeliever came they would not be helped, but just think that everyone there was crazy. He doesn't forbid tongues, but says that if anyone does it out loud, it should be interpreted. And if you do it privately, you should pray to be able to interpret it. (This comes from 2 Corinthians 14.) In a way, I wanted this church to work for me, but I have this troubled, uneasy feeling about it. At first, I wondered if it was because it was all new to me, but that's not all of it. So much there seems to be based off of having an emotional experience. Going there makes me want more of God, but I go away hungry, not filled. And so I think, maybe if I do this thing that they do, it will fill me up. Maybe the reason I always stumble spiritually is because I've always been missing this thing. But it doesn't feel like a hunger for something good. You know those things you do that won't fill anything, but that you want to do because it will give you some temporary high and distract you from whatever is really wrong that might be harder to deal with? That's how the hunger seems.

It would be so much easier to stay away from this if it were more obviously terrible and unbiblical. But as it is, it seems somehow subtly unbiblical, wrong, and deceptive. I don't think I will go back again. I definately don't think that I should. I'm not saying that I don't think they are Christians, but I think they are wrong about this. For some reason, I feel more spiritually depressed and empty than I have for some time. I have felt the inability to get close to God in the fairly recent past, but not this. Lately, I have felt better in my relationship and closer. But now, I feel this pain. Perhaps I am at least headed in the right direction. If fed in the right way, this hunger could be a good thing, I suppose. Seeking and finding God in the way I want to just seems so hard. Pray for me.