There is an area of life in which Western Christians often unquestioningly accept the world's standards and practices. There are times when I wonder how it is that more people don't find issue with these practices, but at the same time, realize that even I illustrate this acceptance as I have adopted the principles and practices I so strongly question. The area I'm talking about is dating. As Christians, we believe that God created marriage and that it is a sacred institution, meant to last for life. Christians teachers and leaders are quick to emphasize faithfulness within marriage, and sexual abstinence without. There are at least a couple of problems with limiting our concern to these issues alone. First, merely remaining sexually abstinent doesn't protect individuals who give their hearts away time and time again. Second, modern dating makes light of the sacred intimacy of the marriage union.
"Emotional promiscuity" can result from being in multiple relationships(short or long-term) over a period of time or even from developing some degree of emotional intimacy with multiple people you do not have relationships with. The more involved I have become in our culture's dating practices, the more inadequate I feel they are. I have experienced intense emotional intimacy in my current relationship. I have also thought about whether or not the relationship will last and result in marriage. The idea that it may not has sometimes given me a sense of crippling fear. This fear is accompanied by the feeling that, after all I have given away to the couple of people I have had strong feelings for, I may have nothing left to give to someone else. Broken hearts are a by-product of our dating culture. We know people who are broken-hearted and we have probably been broken-hearted ourselves. But often we do not realize that continuosly experiencing this emotionally damaging state is harmful and unnecessary.
Apart from the emotional scarring caused, going through multiple emotionally intimate relationships before finding someone to marry doesn't line up with the biblical principle that romance is intended for marriage. If we believe that romance is a sacred gift from God, how can we then toss this gift around so freely? Mark 10:6-9 says, "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." The relationship that God intended for men and women was marriage. Dating can often become a self-indulgent game, but we must remember God's purpose for romance.
It may seem like dating has been around forever, but in reality the origin of dating came about only in the late 1800s or early 1900s. There is a movement among some Christians to re-embrace the principles behind "courtship," in which a man and a woman would get to know eachother with potential marriage as the purpose. Courtship is based on the conviction that God created romance for marriage and that individuals should begin looking for a potential partner only when they are ready to marry in the near future. There is an emphasis on getting to know another person, but romance is saved for when the couple becomes sure that they are moving toward marriage. Then, in the midst of romantic and emotional intimacy within marriage, the individuals are protected because there is the deep conviction that marriage is not something to be given up on or gotten out of. The Christian view of romantic love was excellently portrayed in the new movie Fireproof. In the midst of anger and the absence of strong feelings of love, a couple realizes that to love someone is a conscious choice. There is pleasure in the feeling of being "in love," but our society often mistakes immature infatuation for love. While real love does bring feelings of closeness and pleasure, we are expected to continue loving even when these feelings are not present. (1 Cor 13:7)
As Christians, we need to rethink the way we are pursuing relationships and move away from the world's formula for love. It is no wonder that the divorce rate is the same among Christians as non-Christians, when we are aligning our beliefs and practices about love and relationships so closely with the world's. We would be wise to question the practices we have become so accustomed to, and to seek God's will as we reconsider passing our scarred hearts from person to person. If something in our culture does not line up with biblical teachings and wisdom, we have a responsibility to move away from it. This will not always be easy, but it is our calling as children of God. If we were to fully allow God into this area, think how powerfully He could move in our relationships and our lives.
"Emotional promiscuity" can result from being in multiple relationships(short or long-term) over a period of time or even from developing some degree of emotional intimacy with multiple people you do not have relationships with. The more involved I have become in our culture's dating practices, the more inadequate I feel they are. I have experienced intense emotional intimacy in my current relationship. I have also thought about whether or not the relationship will last and result in marriage. The idea that it may not has sometimes given me a sense of crippling fear. This fear is accompanied by the feeling that, after all I have given away to the couple of people I have had strong feelings for, I may have nothing left to give to someone else. Broken hearts are a by-product of our dating culture. We know people who are broken-hearted and we have probably been broken-hearted ourselves. But often we do not realize that continuosly experiencing this emotionally damaging state is harmful and unnecessary.
Apart from the emotional scarring caused, going through multiple emotionally intimate relationships before finding someone to marry doesn't line up with the biblical principle that romance is intended for marriage. If we believe that romance is a sacred gift from God, how can we then toss this gift around so freely? Mark 10:6-9 says, "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." The relationship that God intended for men and women was marriage. Dating can often become a self-indulgent game, but we must remember God's purpose for romance.
It may seem like dating has been around forever, but in reality the origin of dating came about only in the late 1800s or early 1900s. There is a movement among some Christians to re-embrace the principles behind "courtship," in which a man and a woman would get to know eachother with potential marriage as the purpose. Courtship is based on the conviction that God created romance for marriage and that individuals should begin looking for a potential partner only when they are ready to marry in the near future. There is an emphasis on getting to know another person, but romance is saved for when the couple becomes sure that they are moving toward marriage. Then, in the midst of romantic and emotional intimacy within marriage, the individuals are protected because there is the deep conviction that marriage is not something to be given up on or gotten out of. The Christian view of romantic love was excellently portrayed in the new movie Fireproof. In the midst of anger and the absence of strong feelings of love, a couple realizes that to love someone is a conscious choice. There is pleasure in the feeling of being "in love," but our society often mistakes immature infatuation for love. While real love does bring feelings of closeness and pleasure, we are expected to continue loving even when these feelings are not present. (1 Cor 13:7)
As Christians, we need to rethink the way we are pursuing relationships and move away from the world's formula for love. It is no wonder that the divorce rate is the same among Christians as non-Christians, when we are aligning our beliefs and practices about love and relationships so closely with the world's. We would be wise to question the practices we have become so accustomed to, and to seek God's will as we reconsider passing our scarred hearts from person to person. If something in our culture does not line up with biblical teachings and wisdom, we have a responsibility to move away from it. This will not always be easy, but it is our calling as children of God. If we were to fully allow God into this area, think how powerfully He could move in our relationships and our lives.
2 comments:
Honey, I posted a really long comment but then it didn't send. I have to go to bed. I'll redo it tomorrow, feel free to delete this one. Sorry, love you.
Ok, trying this again.
This is actually a really great post. Upon starting I thought I'd find a whole bunch to argue about, but I honestly agree with most of what you're saying. Which is quite a thing considering where I used to stand on this subject. I agree that lots of dating around is damaging and can be wrong because of the romance involved. Romance in dating is assumed as a prerequisite to dating someone. I once started dating someone after only knowing them for like a week, and barely knowing them at that. Once we were "official" kissing and other romance was assumed to be part of the relationship. The thing only lasted like 2 weeks. Then it was done. I mean, I barely knew that person but intimacy was extended anyway.
This, of course, is seen as totally normal. Even, to an extend, among Christians. Our culture is very dependent on this sort of use and throw away if it doesn't suit you, mentality. If the initial relationship is based on these rules why would the proceeding marriage not also be based on that standard. Ever since we talked about this stuff last week I've been thinking to myself about how far reaching dating mentality goes into peoples lives, and the lives of Christians. I don't have a lot of concrete thought here, but I think it's very interesting.
I too wonder why it's an issue that is so largely accepted among Christians. You have so many Christians focusing on stupid things (like whether or not certain kinds of music can be used to honor the Lord) who never bat and eyelash about this issue. Until recently (and here I will admit if it wasn't for you I would have never thought about it either) I didn't think about it either. I think it may be because of the 1950's.
I'm not crazy, just follow me on this. What I've noticed about a lot of Christians that want to go back to "old family values" they seem to use the 1950's as the value for what that should look like. I've seen examples of this, but I'm not gonna go looking for them right now. It's like the 50's is the last decent time people can remember, or if they can't remember them, there's plenty of old TV shows that make you think you can recall what the 50's were like. So, if that's the standard we're aiming for, then dating was already highly prominent in culture. And really, the 50's maybe the start of the downturn anyway and just not the best example of what we should be headed towards.
The 1950's aside, I do wonder though how well courting would work in modern America. As I understand it (and I don't understand it nearly as well as you), there is a fairly large involvement from the parents. In the kind of climate we have created I don't know how well it would work. Maybe something in the middle is called for, like "Dating Lite" or something. I'm just not sure how we could apply the courting model practically. Though I'm sure there's a way.
Ok, that's long enough. I'm done. Hopefully this is full of enough half-thoughts to continue the discussion.
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